Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
