Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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