Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
