I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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