I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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