I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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