it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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