hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
