You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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