Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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