i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
