dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
