I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
