hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
