Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
