Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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