Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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