his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
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I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
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I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
How does one acquire holy water?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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