I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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