hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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