Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
