I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
