Plan B is the new Plan A
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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