I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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