thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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