she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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