it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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