you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
