burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
