I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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