Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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