90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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