I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
