I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
