also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
