very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
