I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize