I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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