I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
