I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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