Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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