So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
