i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I think people are normalizing furries
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
