I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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