I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
