dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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