I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
