My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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