mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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