I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
