Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Randomize
