I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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