Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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